"mini" diet

Man o' man, "diets"!? am i right?

I am on a diet, and boy does it suck! Don't get me wrong, i am "losing" weight, but it is weird to know my body can survive for 3 days eating a can of tuna and an egg. ( by the way that's not the diet)

This diet, like any other promotes portion control and exercise. But the underlying deception of it, is that it assumes you wont exercise (which pretty much sounds right) so it takes away the option for portion control and gives you a list of what you can/cannot eat and how much of it.

I'm pretty good at following directions, so I'm cool with a set list of pre-approved food and schedule to follow, for the most part i don't eat breakfast regularly and lunch is occasional also, so I'm thinking ill be able to fly into dinner under par and come out on top!,...right?

Well, the diet is only 3 days long, because otherwise your throat will collapse, or your ears will fall off or whatever health reason they gave me i cant remember. I don't know the exact food choices off the top of my head, but it starts off a little something like this:

A small breakfast consisting of egg, OR 1 slice of toast and half cup of juice,

A small lunch of either half can of tuna and a slice of bread, OR crackers and a slice of cheese

Ending with a "sensible" dinner which can contain 3.oz of meat and the remainder vegetables.

The Diet gets progressively harder up to the third day where the breakfast item is pretty much what you're having for all three meal times.

The first day

You are feeling good, gonna get back on track and in shape, thinking about all the clothes you will fit into again. The Morning is not so bad, you're probably still full from the beef enchiladas from the night before, So you may skimp on that breakfast, its like saving up credit right?

Lunch comes and goes, you feel weird that the lunch was no double whopper from burger king, but you made it and are feeling like you can do this for like a month straight!

Dinner time is here, Your a bit hungrier than you were earlier today and notice the ratio between green and brown on your plate is 80/20 but you are set in your diet, and can do this, so you scarf it down, and go to bed.

The second day

Your stomach rumblings wake you up, that means its working! right? The egg is welcomed and you are on your way.

Did you eat lunch today....oh right, the tuna,...poo

Dinner finally here, you start to rethink the month long diet strategy and agree that 3 days is enough, and in mid thought find out you've eaten your meal, maybe you didn't get the serving size right, oh well one more day, you can do this!

The third day

You wake up thinking "if I'm losing weight why does my body feel so heavy?" Your mornings before were usually without any meal at all, so why all of a sudden do you have a urge to do cinnamon toast crunch and a Mc griddle sandwich "Zombie style"? You didn't eat a egg Monday, can we cash that in for an extra one today?

You suddenly have case of "unclear throat" syndrome today, as you try to disguise your stomachs audible revolt, "when will lunch get here?", it's only been 2 minutes since you've looked at your watch, and lunch time has already passed, did you eat lunch? it doesn't feel like you've eaten lunch.

At the end of the day, the drive home is the longest drive, and you are aware of everything, in a negative way of course. You notice the people who are eating in their cars, and wonder if those are the good salty McDonald's fries or the crappy soggy ones , you notice the guy behind you who you just know will try to pass you at any moment,...any moment now, you start thinking about if you got any mail today, and that you probably didn't but you will go to check anyway and then you will be pissed because you were right!...about being pissed

Your dinner is the worst ever, the cat bowl has more food than your plate does, and it doesn't look half bad either, neither does your cat at this point. You think to yourself your not gonna make it, your so tired, your so very tired, you go to bed and place two pillows against your ears two block out the grumblings, if you make it to tomorrow you promise yourself a "shit load of crazy bread and a pizza"

Tomorrow

You wake up.....silence

Did my stomach die?

You walk slowly onto the cold bathroom floor, predicting that all your sacrifice was for not, and promising to swear off this as another failed diet unless you lost 50 pounds. You step onto the scale, both eyes closed, then one eye closed, then both eyes open, then with a sigh you say "8 pounds, ...huh, not bad!" Your pants don't feel as tight as before do they?, does this coat look bigger to you? Now that you can deviate from the menu for the next 4 days, what will you eat?

....."I'm not really that hungry"

Now While most of the above is true i want to put into perspective something, Some people say "how hard can it be, how small are these portions really?". Well for my first night i did have this nice juicy delicious piece of meat, along with some green beans and carrots!

Looks great doesn't it, well it was actually, and i split it with my Grandmother who made this wonderful bird and my wife, so where is the deception you ask? look forth!

And no, i am not a giant!

-Mikol